HAWKS - KORVER'S J IS YOUR OFFENSE. THE PACERS, HEAT AND THE WEST WILL TAKE A PISS ON THAT "WINNING RECORD" AND HAVE IT LOOKING LIKE DENNIS SCHRODER'S HEAD.
CELTICS - BRAD STEVENS IS BABY FACED BITCH. HEARD HE LET THE TEAM SMASH HIS CHICK TO GET THEIR RESPECT. THE ONLY REASON RONDO IS COMING BACK THIS SEASON IS TO SHOWCASE HIS SKILLS FOR FREE AGENCY.
NETS - YOUR TEAM IS OLD AS FUCK. JASON KIDD IS A DRUNK AND ONE MORE DROPPED SODA AWAY FROM BEING LAWRENCE FRANK'D. BROOK LOPEZ IS SOFTER THAN THE THING EGGS COME IN. D-WILL IS GETTING PAID LIKE AN ALL-STAR BUT PLAYING LIKE DEE BROWN. ALL THIS IS HAPPENING WHILE THE PEOPLE WHO SHOULD BE COACHING YOU ARE GETTING THEIR DICKS SUCKED BY CARI CHAMPION AND SAGE STEELE UNDERNEATH THEIR ESPN DESKS.
BOBCATS - YOUR FRANCHISE IS A JOKE. I PUT MY 2K CREATE A PLAYER ON YOUR TEAM SO I CAN BREAK ALL THE RECORDS. THE ONLY REASON YOU HAVE ANY WINS IS BECAUSE AL JEFFERSON SAID FUCK IT AND TOOK THE MONEY.
BULLS - YOU NEED TO BLOW THIS TEAM UP RIGHT NOW. DERRICK ROSE'S KNEES ARE AS FRAGILE AS JONATHAN MARTIN'S EMOTIONS. YOU COULD LITERALLY CUT HIS KNEES OFF AND SEW HIS THIGHS TO HIS CALVES AND HE WOULD BE MORE USEFUL THAN HE'S BEEN THESE LAST TWO YEARS. #THEREBUILD
CAVALIERS - ANTHONY BENNETT IS SHIT AND HAS ZERO POTENTIAL OTHER THAN POTENTIALLY EATING 4 MORE HOSTESS SNACKS BEFORE BEDTIME. MAYBE IF BACK UP-QUALITY ROLE PLAYERS QUIT PUNCHING SLIGHTLY-OVERRATED PLAYERS, YOUR TEAM WOULDN'T BE STRUGGLING THROUGH THE SEASON LIKE AUSTIN CARR STRUGGLES TO GET THROUGH A SENTENCE.
MAVERICKS - DEEP DOWN MARK CUBAN DOESN'T EVEN BUY THE IDEA THAT THIS TEAM IS A TITLE CONTENDER. MONTA AND DIRK ARE THIS WHOLE TEAM. THE REST OF THE ROSTER IS OLD AS A FUCK OR ARE POOR-MENS VERSION OF PLAYERS WHO ARE POOR MEN THEMSELVES. RICK CARLISLE LOOKS LIKE DEPRESSED JIM CARREY.
NUGGETS - BRIAN SHAW OVER GEORGE KARL IS ABOUT AS SMART AS JAVALE MCGEE'S DUMBASS. ANDRE MILLER IS ONE GOOD JOKE AWAY FROM A HEART ATTACK AND THOSE 2 FORMER KNICKS ARE SO SHITTY THEY COULDN'T GET A ROSTER SPOT ON THE CURRENT KNICKS.
PISTONS - THOSE TWO FREE AGENCY SIGNINGS SURE ARE WORKING OUT. SIKE. BRANDON JENNINGS' PLAYMAKING ABILITY IS AS POOR AS DETROIT'S ECONOMY AND JOSH SMITH IS PLAYING LIKE A 13-YEAR OLD MITCH MCGARY. CHARLIE VILLANUEVA IS THE OPPOSITE OF ANTHONY DAVIS.
WARRIORS - I DRINK MY WINE OUT OF THE SAME THING STEPHEN CURRY'S ANKLES ARE MADE OF. HAS ANYONE FIGURED OUT WHAT COLOR KLAY THOMPSON IS? YOU KNOW YOUR TEAM LACKS LEADERSHIP WHEN HEAVY-HANDED JERMAINE O'NEAL IS DOING EMOTIONAL POST-GAME INTERVIEWS. YOU
LIVE BY THE 3, YOU GET A SWIFT, HEARTBREAKING PLAYOFF EXIT BY THE 3.
ROCKETS - DWIGHT HOWARD'S FREE THROW STROKE IS LIKE WHAT GOES ON AT JEREMY LIN'S APARTMENT WHEN CHANDLER COMES OVER TO "WATCH
FILM". TERRIBLE BUT MAKES YOU WANT TO SEE MORE. IT'S LIKE HIS GOAL IS TO MAKE PEOPLE FORGET HOW GOOD HE WAS IN ORLANDO. UNTIL JAMES HARDEN LEARNS TO MOVE HIS BODY ON DEFENSE HE'LL ALWAYS BE THE 2ND BEST CORE PLAYER TO BE TRADED AWAY FROM THE THUNDER. WHAT UP JEFF.
PACERS - BUNCHA WHINEY LITTLE UNDERDOG BITCHES. "OH, SHIT WE HAVE A HUGE FRONT COURT TO DOMINATE THE HEAT." SPOILER: THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER. DURING THE PLAYOFFS LEBRON IS GOING TO TAKE PAUL GEORGE INTO THE PAINT AND FUCK HIS FACE. ROY HIBBERT USES INTERNET EXPLORER.
CLIPPERS - DOC RIVERS FINDING OUT YOU CAN'T TEACH OLD DOGS NEW TRICKS AND BY OLD DOGS I MEAN ATHLETES WITH NO SKILL AND NEW TRICKS I MEAN DEFENSE. BLAKE GRIFFIN NEEDS TO GET OFF THOSE KIA COMMERCIALS AND INTO THE PAINT. BLAKE'S SHOOTING FORM IS SLOWER THAN DEANDRE JORDAN'S DEVELOPMENT AS AN NBA PLAYER.
LAKERS - PAU GASOL NEEDS TO STOP WORRYING ABOUT THE PHILIPPINES AND START WORRYING ABOUT HOW TO DEAL WITH MIKE D'ANTONI VERBALLY BITCH SLAPPING HIM. ANY LAKERS FANS WHO NEED SOME COUNSELING TO HELP COPE WITH THE FACT THAT KOBE IS NOW NOTHING MORE THAN A SLOWER VERSION OF MIKE MILLER, PM ME.
GRIZZLIES - THE GRIZZLIES BEING A CONTENDER THIS YEAR TURNED OUT TO BE A BIGGER JOKE THAN MARC GASOL WINNING DPOY LAST YEAR. GRIZZLIES FANS KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO DRAFT A PLAYER LIKE ANTHONY BENNETT. IT'S CALLED ED DAVIS.
MIAMI HEAT - LEBRON IS THE BEST PLAYER ON THE PLANET AND BEAS HAS THE BEST TREES MONEY CAN BUY.
BUCKS - SHUT THE FUCK ABOUT GIANNIS ANTETAWHOGIVESASHIT. BETTING YOUR SUCCESS AS A FRANCHISE ON THE DEVELOPMENT OF A GREEK TEENAGER IS AS FOOLISH AS KEEPING LARRY SANDERS OUT OF THE STARTING LINEUP. THAT NIGGA IS LEAVING FOR SURE.
TIMBERWOLVES - THAT KEVIN LOVE/ RICKY RUBIO LOVE DIAL COMMERCIAL IS NOT FUNNY. RICKY RUBIO WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE SECOND COMING OF PISTOL PETE BUT IS MORE LIKE A JAY WILLIAMS POST-ACCIDENT. KEVIN LOVE WILL OPT OUT OF HIS CONTRACT BECAUSE LOYALTY DISSIPATES THROUGH YEARS OF MEDIOCRITY.
PELICANS - FIRST OFF YOUR TEAM IS CALLED THE PELICANS. SECOND, YOUR TEAM IS FULL OF 2-3 YEAR PLAYERS WITH HUGE CONTRACTS THAT AREN'T QUITE LIVING UP TO THE HYPE. AUSTIN RIVER'S GAME IS AS BAD AS HIS FATHER'S ABILITY TO STAY LOYAL TO A TEAM. CHARLOTTE AND NEW ORLEANS ARE SO INTERTWINED I GET THEM MIXED UP BUT IT DOESNT MATTER BECAUSE THEY BOTH SUCK.
KNICKS - AMARE STOUDAMIRE IS STILL S.T.A.T BUT NOW IT STANDS FOR STANDING THERE AND TRYING. ANDREA BARGNANI IS AS ATHLETIC AS MIKE WOODSON DOESN'T LOOK LIKE A FRUSTRATED MR. POTATO HEAD. CARMELO TAKES MORE SHOTS THAN JR SMITH AND IMAN SHUMPERT WOULD LIKE HIM TOO. ENOUGH WITH THE DOLAN BULLSHIT. ITS NOT THAT HE'S A BAD OWNER, ITS JUST YOUR PLAYERS AND FANS HAVE SHITTY ATTITUDES.
THUNDER - KD AND THIS TEAM WILL ALWAYS BE NUMBER 2 NO MATTER WHAT THEY DO OR WHO THEY ADD. RUSSELL WESTBROOK AND KD WILL CONTINUE THEIR UNSPOKEN BATTLE OVER WHO'S TEAM IT REALLY IS AND THIS WILL KEEP THEM FROM A TITLE UNTIL ONE GETS TRADED OR LEAVES. MATT BARNES AND BLAKE GRIFFIN FUCKED SERGE IBAKA'S BITCH. YOU HAVE KENDRICK PERKINS.
MAGIC - WHAT A SAD COLLECTION OF TALENT. ITS PRETTY BAD WHEN A BELOW-AVERAGE ROOKIE CAN GET THIS MANY MINUTES. IT LOOKS LIKE AFFLALO IS PICKING HIS GAME UP. OOPS NEVERMIND ITS CALLED BEING THE BEST PLAYER ON A SHITTY TEAM.
76ERS - GET THE FUCK OFF MCW DICK. JUST LIKE AFFLALO HE'S JUST A GOOD PLAYER ON A SHITTY TEAM. NERLINS NOEL PLAYED GOOD D IN COLLEGE BUT HE ISN'T GOING TO DO SHIT IN THE NBA. DUDE IS SMALLER THAN SPENCER HAWES' LOWER LIP.
SUNS - YOU GUYS ARE FUCKING UP AND PLAYING BETTER THAN YOU REALLY ARE. DON'T YOU KNOW HOW THE LOTTERY WORKS? THE SEASON IS YOUNG AND IT WONT BE LONG UNTIL YOU GUYS START TO SHOW HOW GOOD YOU REALLY ARE. WHICH IS SHITTY AS FUCK.
TRAILBLAZERS - WIN A FEW GAMES AND ALL OF A SUDDEN YOU'RE A POWERHOUSE? ITS BEEN SO LONG SINCE THIS TEAM WAS RELEVANT MOST OF REDDIT WAS PARTICIPATING IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL PLAYS. WES MATTHEWS IS NOT AN ALL-STAR. DAMIAN LILLARD KNEE INJURY IN 3..2..1..
KINGS - RUDY GAY. ANOTHER SHOOT-FIRST PLAYER ON A TEAM FULL OF SHOOT-FIRST PLAYERS. DEMARCUS COUSINS COULD BE A STAR BUT HIS HISSY FIT BITCH TEMPER TANTRUMS WILL TEAR THIS TEAM APART. THANKS TO RUDY, BEN MCLEMORE WILL NOW GET 3 SHOTS A GAME AND RUIN WHATEVER MOMENTUM HE WAS BUILDING. WHERE'S JIMMER?
SPURS - FUCK TIM DUNCAN. FUCK GREG POP. FUNDAMENTALS AINT SHIT ANYMORE. ITS ABOUT ATHLETICISM AND DUNKS. KAWHI LEONARD WAS JUST NAMED 1ST TEAM ALL NOT-A-KILLER.
RAPTORS - NOW THAT RUDY GAY IS GONE, THIS MIGHT BE THE WORST TEAM IN THE NBA. EVEN IF THEY HAVE CAP ROOM FOR NEXT YEAR, NO ONE WILL COME TO TORONTO AND EVEN IF THEY DO THEY WILL PLAY LIKE SHIT. WHAT UP LANDRY FIELDS?
JAZZ - UGLY TEAM. UGLY UNIFORMS. BORING CITY. ENES KANTER AND RUDY GOBERT ARE THE WORST BIG MEN IN THE LEAGUE. I FEEL SO BAD FOR TREY BURKE HAVING TO PLAY FOR THIS SHITTY TEAM. NO I DON'T FUCK HIM TOO.
WIZARDS - I CAN'T BELIEVE GORTAT WAS THE CENTERPIECE OF A "GET GOOD RIGHT NOW" TRADE" THAT COST YOU A 1ST ROUND PICK. FUCK OUTTA HERE. THIS FRANCHISE IS STILL RECOVERING FROM LEGAL CRAB DRIBBLES